six words

can you define yourself
in six words?

six
little
words
to encompass
all that you
are,
have been,
and hope to become...

always walks the straight path... usually

happy. sad. happy. sad. happy... finally

goal: laugh, love, and make smile

fine will never be an option.

i no longer wake in fear.

but
i believe
the six words
truly worthy
of defining me

the six words
that best tell my story...

i was finally happy with myself.

what are your six words?

where she now sits

i have slowly infiltrated tt's house.

it started with makeup and hair products,
.
.
.
grew into a few changes of clothes,
.
.
.
then jewelry, kitchen essentials, and my entire wardrobe.
.
.
.
my books
my movies
.
.
.
entire truckloads
of stuff.
stuff to use.
stuff to keep.
stuff to store.

somewhere in the middle,
she came too.
but...
i still felt i had two homes.
one was mine.
and one was simply where I stayed.

i've spent most of the past seven months
in what i can only describe as an awkward position.
feeling i should earn my keep,
but not feeling like i should touch his stuff.
wanting to organize my things,
but not wanting to move his.
being extra careful with his things,
and feeling extremely guilty when i'm not.

i've made an effort to try and settle only into
the spaces that were available.
trying my best to not disturb what was already there.

be inconspicuous.

this summer, on my way home from des moines,
i hit that stretch of road where i couldn't wait to get 'home'.
i was tired and couldn't wait to be in my own bed with tt.

to my surprise, i realized that home,
the picture i had in my mind,
was tt's.

it was a nice realization...
it gave me a sense of relief...

but i still have a desire to clean
when i go to my condo.
the feeling it's ok
to toss my stuff around when i get there.
and the sense that i can do
whatever i want.

she sits outside the door.
welcomes me home everyday.
but part of my heart,
has yet to move in.

thanks a lot time

I am really very Thankful to you for the best guidance like what my father would show if I was in India. Thank You again for all the help. Hope we will get the Plate & insurance on this Friday.

this thank you message was sent to tt

after he helped the new girl at work buy a car.

she is from india.

she had never driven in the states.

until she went out for lunch with a co-worker

who unknowingly asked if she wanted to drive.

'yes.'

was her response.

when they got to the edge of the parking lot

he finally asked where her car was.

'oh i do not have one.

that is very nice to offer to let me drive your car.'

he handed her the keys.

we don't know if she has a license...

but she needed a car.

when you need something,

and my boy finds out,

he will do anything to help.

he inspires me to give more of myself

and expect nothing in return.

it's only one of the many reasons

i love and adore this man.

so long insecurity

i will reflect upon the beth moore simulcast soon, but i wanted to start with the end.

to and away

i am slowly making my way through the time traveler's wife. it is enjoyable, albeit, slow. last night i came to part 2, which began, as many books tend to do, with a quote:

"what is it? my dear?"
"ah, how can we bear it?"
"bear what?"
"this. for so short a time. how can we sleep this time away?"
"we can be quiet together, and pretend -since it is only the beginning- that we have all the time in the world."
"and every day we shall have less. and then none."
"would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?"
"no. this is where i have always been coming to. since my time began. and when i go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. but now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."

-a.s. byatt, possession

this quote made me wonder... is there a destined mid-point in life that we live to get to and then live from, letting it define us? do we allow events to become those points, or do we choose the point?

i could easily allow my divorce to be that point that i lived up to and then lived from. i could allow michael to be the point i lived up to and then from... i could even let tt define my life, and that would make sense; i'm finally, truly happy. it is what i thought of when i first read the quote.

but i believe that life is destined to have many stops and points along its path, shaping and defining who we are.

so i believe my path continues, with its hills and valleys, and destined points along the way where, at every point, the path always leads to and eventually away. i just have someone new to walk with.

change

it happens all the time; most often when we are not prepared. we don't want it, we're not looking for it, because we are content with what we have...

that's when it happens...

the elusive "c" word swoops in and turns our world upside down.

sometimes it would be nice to say it is God's plan... sometimes it would be easier to blame it on evil... people do both depending on how they feel about the changes.

either way i know God is there, either guiding us through the good changes, and carrying us through the bad.

"You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good" Gen 50:20

God's good may be obvious when changes comes.... or it may appear 7 years later... but it is there... sometimes we simply have to be patient, and walk the path He directs us to.

balloons

so i was thinking...

you know when you're in a situation
where the uncomfortableness,
the pressure,
the stress,
the anger,
the sadness,
the confusion
seems to grow with every passing
day
hour
minute
.
.
.
second

and you feel like a balloon
on the verge of bursting?

we often get to the point where we ask the question,
"should i just let it burst in its own time,
or should i pop it myself?"

either way it will hurt.
to have your surroundings and form ripped apart is going to hurt,
whether you allow it to happen naturally or force it along.

however,
i was thinking...

i don't think we are the balloon.

i think we are the air inside...


the balloon is simply the situation... it is either growing or shrinking based on us.

so the question then becomes

do you release the situation, allowing it to quickly deflate and whiz chaotically throughout the room?
you weren't meant to be trapped in that balloon anyway.

or

do you release yourself slowly? (sometimes making that high pitched, irritating screech as you go)
you may be completely released with a stretched and deflated balloon lying on the table
or
you may find a level within the balloon that is not simply tolerable, but comfortable and perfect.

i've done both. i've released myself from
a situation chaotically
and
a situation slowly.

neither is wrong.

neither is less scary.

but i think both are better than letting the situation explode on you.